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Sex Avoidance Devices
The simplest route to a hassle free sex life is not to have any sex at all.
However, a life of abstinence can be difficult to follow, especially if you
have a partner who is younger than you are or who has not accepted that they
too are Past~It. But perseverance will bring its reward and release you to
enjoy other pleasures once you are free from the stressful obligation to
perform. The following Kalmer Sutra techniques will help you in your
struggle.
Start each and every day by reciting this mantra five times:
Sex, sex, sex, sex.
Sex, sex, sex, sex.
Sex, sex, sex, sex.
Sex, sex, sex, sex.
This will fulfil your daily quota of sex~time. By getting it over with,
first thing, you can enjoy the rest of the day free from the need to think
about sex.
Do not fake orgasm, fake the whole intercourse – or better still fake the
whole relationship.
Thwart any weird sexual urges your partner may foster. If he or she is
keen to join the mile high club make him or her settle for the half-mile
high club which involves little more that some fumbled groping shortly after
take off.
If your partner still suffers from sexual desires, consider having as
affair with an ugly oldie. This will allow you a few nights each week when
you can meet up with your ‘lover’ in a seedy hotel room and just relax
together in front of the television enjoying repeats of Coronation Street.
Refuse to have sex on a first date – insist on waiting at least until your
second wedding anniversary.
Have children – there is no greater obstacle to sex.
Careful selection of a movie, to watch before going to bed can help dampen
even the most passionate of spirits – ‘Silence of the Lamb’ makes an
excellent choice.
Steer clear of aphrodisiacs. If your partner insists on eating oysters
counteract the effect by consuming large quantities of garlic and pickled
onions.
Make your partner a big mug of Horlics before bed, this is an excellent
passion poopers – especially if laced with a fast acting sleeping tablet!
If your partner is still in the habit of demanding that you perform a
strip tease from time to time, do not cause unnecessary friction by refusing
the request – however do insist on turning the lights out first!
Always keep sexual protective beside your bed – a handy pack of aspirin
can save you from many an unwanted advance.
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